TONGUE IN CHEEK

MANDATORY NUDITY WILL SAVE BILLIONS

2010-01-02T03:54:00.000-08:00

     As the cabal that runs our government and that ever more powerful cleptocracy conspire to take nude photos of anyone who travels by air another less expensive idea is worth considering, flying in the nude.

     Why spend billions to deploy machines more expensive than MRI machines just to make a database of nude photos when we can go to the airport butt naked? Without clothing it will be almost impossible to conceal
a bomb on ones person. Voila, Total Control!

     I want the President, Hillary, Sarah Palin and The United States Senate to take the first nude plane ride in order to help motivate the American people to get behind a low budget solution to our fear of losing absolute control over this one amorphous thing, "terrorism".

   The United States Military and military contractors have already led the way and shown you don't always need clothes to socialize with others. Now its time for the citizenry to step up and strip down, for the sake of the nation, for the great cause of balancing the budget and for the glory of our great flag.

Nudity is the citizen's armor for it is by being stark naked in the stratosphere that the evil bombs of those seeking revenge will be revealed.

Chant it with your fellow passengers, "Nudity is our Strength! Nudity is our Armor!" a hundred times and our nation will be the better for it.

Don't stare at anyone's crotch as they go down the aisle, this is strictly for national security.

DEVOURED BY WILD BEASTS

2008-11-03T23:19:00.000-08:00

The recent demise of the super rich super adventurer, Stephen Faucet, echoed his larger than life image. I never studied this famous Kansan myself but he obviously had a sense for the fantastical world of lighter than air dirigibles and various feats of flight. As if a lifetime of world records was not enough Stephen Faucet has until the end been a man for the record books. Now we have irrefutable proof that the reclusive billionaire rendezvoused with the daughter of a poor peddler from Idaho.

That was her name too, "Idaho".

Mr. Faucet never tired of joking:

"I asked her what her name was, ya see, and she said, 'Idaho' and she did" then he would yuck it up to such an extent that it seemed everyone had to join in unless they wanted a pink slip.

Sad to say after having a nasty crash and a nastier cup of tea he apparently was overcome by wild beasts who got the better of him. Lunch for desert carnivores seems like a rather adventurous way to go but I get sick just thinking about what my kitty cat did to the canary last week.

From legend to lunch. I guess its not much different for all of us although only a few have the opportunity to move up the food chain by being eaten! Somewhere the wolves, coyotes, foxes and who knows what birds of prey or carrion slurpers may have feasted on Mr. Faucet. He lives in the beasts of the field. He must have been the most expensive animal feed ever.

As for the lady from Idaho she got away with the cash. A big fat suitcase of $100 dollar bills.

So remember, when you go out for a picnic try not to end up lunch.
So it was to be a rendevous in the desert but something went awry and Mr. Faucett made it into the Guinness again being the first,
BILLIONAIRE! EATEN BY WILD BEASTS!

WIKILEAKS OF TURKISH DEPT OF DEFENSE PROGRAM TO CLONE ATATURK

2008-10-11T23:17:00.000-07:00

In a world where WMD's seem to be the rage there are other things than nuclear weapons, poison gas and biological warfare to worry about. Now, a TOP SECRET document from the center of the Turkish State reveals a remarkable plan to clone a genetically identical Ataturk II from a cell culture started by cell culture pioneer Alexis Carrel.

Apparently the government believes a genetically identical Ataturk will be a great leader despite having an entirely different childhood and origin. " We will train him to be who he already is genetically, Ataturk, the greatest human being to ever walk the face of the earth." said the General in charge of the project.

The General denied rumors that a small battalion of Ataturks would be cloned. "Nonsense, he laughed, You only need one Ataturk at a time!"

FROM 911 AND THE DIALYSIS PATIENT ANALYSIS INITIATIVE TO STUFFED TIBETAN MONKS

2008-05-01T22:43:00.000-07:00

When the towers fell on 9-11 I was pretty sure that the United States would hunt down the perpetrators if they were still alive. I was surprisingly wrong. While the Al-Qaeda folks have had high casualties it seems that they are doing relatively well in the mountains of Pakistan almost seven years later. I would have never thought it possible.

Osama bin-Laden seems like the main fellow to be behind the whole thing. The actual attackers died with their victims. Some have been apprehended or killed who were supposedly involved in the plot at various times and places. Anyway Bin Laden seems to be out there and Uncle Sam never caught up with him.

So I propose that special measures be taken to find Bin Laden, wherever he may be. Frankly, we think he is in Pakistan but for all we know he could be in Zurich, Rome, the Philippines or some other corner of the world. Al Qaeda had a lot of outposts before 9/11 so theoretically any one of them, or at least some of them could provide sanctuary.

A new multi-billion dollar agency will be created which will funnel even more billions to private contractors associated with the Bush administration in order to protect us all from the Bin Laden who may be cleverly using some dialysis center here in the United States. It's called the Dialysis Patient Analysis Initiative (DPAI).

"What if Bin Laden is hiding out in Miami, posing as a Rabbi or Mennonite or something?", said Mo Horowitz as he drove his personal cab in Miami. "He could be in a dialysis center at the same time my old mother is. "It scares the bejeepers out of me!", he exclaimed.

Recently a small petition drive by dialysis patients themselves has grown into something larger than Mullah Omar (not the bad terrorist dude) ever imagined. A few years ago he became furious that Bin Laden was still taunting the world and giving Islam a bad image. He started to demand that DPAI be created and now both Senators from Kansas and four Senators from other red states are ready to get together with the remaining Hawks in the Bush administration to scrutinize all dialysis patients in the nation.

It isn't as bad as it sounds said an spokesperson for Vice President Dick Cheney, "These people are flat on their backs for eight or more hours a week while a funny little machine jiggles their blood around. Whats a fingerprinting, DNA sampling and complete bioprofile compared to all that?"

Paranoia has swept the conspiracy theory communities as they create more and more elaborate theories about how United States third party payers paid Asian businessmen to poison the IV Heparin supply. They tell stories like the one about how HMO's and health insurers calculated that from contaminated heparin would save the third party payers billions. A remarkable attorney in China, Lu Hsu has spearheaded an effort to find out who is behind the heparin contamination but was imprisoned last week after speaking out against collusion between CPC officials and heparin distributors and vendors.

Last year Lu Hsu was imprisoned by the Chinese government after accusing the Chinese Communist Party and businessmen of slaughtering the innocent to sell their organs and to display their bodies for profit. He particularly pointed to the Bodies in Motion tour which he claims is made up of the corpses of Tibetan monks and other political dissidents.

The statement that got Hsu in trouble recently may have something to do with a remark he made a month ago about how Mao would call for the mummification of the CPC if he were alive today. Hsu made an emotional plea to stop stuffing Chinese and Tibetans as if they were livestock, mere commodities.

The People's Daily has denounced Hsu as a troublemaker from the Falun Gong but no evidence has been presented to support this accusation. Hsu is the son of a couple that was sent to the countryside during the Cultural Revolution.