FROM 911 AND THE DIALYSIS PATIENT ANALYSIS INITIATIVE TO STUFFED TIBETAN MONKS

When the towers fell on 9-11 I was pretty sure that the United States would hunt down the perpetrators if they were still alive. I was surprisingly wrong. While the Al-Qaeda folks have had high casualties it seems that they are doing relatively well in the mountains of Pakistan almost seven years later. I would have never thought it possible.

Osama bin-Laden seems like the main fellow to be behind the whole thing. The actual attackers died with their victims. Some have been apprehended or killed who were supposedly involved in the plot at various times and places. Anyway Bin Laden seems to be out there and Uncle Sam never caught up with him.

So I propose that special measures be taken to find Bin Laden, wherever he may be. Frankly, we think he is in Pakistan but for all we know he could be in Zurich, Rome, the Philippines or some other corner of the world. Al Qaeda had a lot of outposts before 9/11 so theoretically any one of them, or at least some of them could provide sanctuary.

A new multi-billion dollar agency will be created which will funnel even more billions to private contractors associated with the Bush administration in order to protect us all from the Bin Laden who may be cleverly using some dialysis center here in the United States. It's called the Dialysis Patient Analysis Initiative (DPAI).

"What if Bin Laden is hiding out in Miami, posing as a Rabbi or Mennonite or something?", said Mo Horowitz as he drove his personal cab in Miami. "He could be in a dialysis center at the same time my old mother is. "It scares the bejeepers out of me!", he exclaimed.

Recently a small petition drive by dialysis patients themselves has grown into something larger than Mullah Omar (not the bad terrorist dude) ever imagined. A few years ago he became furious that Bin Laden was still taunting the world and giving Islam a bad image. He started to demand that DPAI be created and now both Senators from Kansas and four Senators from other red states are ready to get together with the remaining Hawks in the Bush administration to scrutinize all dialysis patients in the nation.

It isn't as bad as it sounds said an spokesperson for Vice President Dick Cheney, "These people are flat on their backs for eight or more hours a week while a funny little machine jiggles their blood around. Whats a fingerprinting, DNA sampling and complete bioprofile compared to all that?"

Paranoia has swept the conspiracy theory communities as they create more and more elaborate theories about how United States third party payers paid Asian businessmen to poison the IV Heparin supply. They tell stories like the one about how HMO's and health insurers calculated that from contaminated heparin would save the third party payers billions. A remarkable attorney in China, Lu Hsu has spearheaded an effort to find out who is behind the heparin contamination but was imprisoned last week after speaking out against collusion between CPC officials and heparin distributors and vendors.

Last year Lu Hsu was imprisoned by the Chinese government after accusing the Chinese Communist Party and businessmen of slaughtering the innocent to sell their organs and to display their bodies for profit. He particularly pointed to the Bodies in Motion tour which he claims is made up of the corpses of Tibetan monks and other political dissidents.

The statement that got Hsu in trouble recently may have something to do with a remark he made a month ago about how Mao would call for the mummification of the CPC if he were alive today. Hsu made an emotional plea to stop stuffing Chinese and Tibetans as if they were livestock, mere commodities.

The People's Daily has denounced Hsu as a troublemaker from the Falun Gong but no evidence has been presented to support this accusation. Hsu is the son of a couple that was sent to the countryside during the Cultural Revolution.